How to Negotiate with a Small Child as if Your Life Depends on It

Rather, he explained, the essence of negotiation is understanding human behavior—and that applies whether you’re dealing with a bank robber or a toddler. Children, he noted, are just “little people with big emotions” and need to feel “heard, understood and included in the decision-making process.”

With negotiations in mind, and specifically how to handle them with young children, we asked two Irish experts for their thoughts. Is it possible to negotiate with children? Is it important to do this? What are their top tips for becoming a good negotiator with your child? What do they think of Voss’s strategies, which the former FBI agent groups under the heading of “tactical empathy”?

Chris Place, an accredited psychotherapist and consultant with the Irish Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy (iacp.ie), says parents need to tailor negotiations to their child’s developmental age. “Between the ages of two and seven, children are self-centered—they find it very difficult to understand the point of view of others. From about age seven, they begin to develop the ability to see multiple points of view.”

When Place and I were talking that morning, he had just been reminded of this by his two-year-old. “While we were having breakfast, he decided he wanted to play with Play-Doh. So, with negotiations in mind, I said, we can do one dinosaur and then have breakfast. And he said: “Yes!” So we did one and I said, “Okay, time for breakfast,” and he said, “No, daddy.”

His baby isn’t doing anything wrong. “This is his stage of development. He is focused on his view of the universe and cannot recognize my needs.”

Clear boundaries when it comes to safety and respect for each other.

Place firmly believes in the value of helping children learn to negotiate. “They learn to cooperate with each other. They learn compromise and respect.” But he also emphasizes that not everything is negotiable. “We need clear boundaries within the family, especially when it comes to respecting each other and safety. This is non-negotiable – if siblings hit each other, we’re not going to “negotiate” and say, “You can hit the leg.”

However, negotiations do take place when it comes to “Should we put the toys away before or after dinner?” or “What game are we going to play?” In negotiation, Place explains, you give your child choices, so they have a sense of control. The golden rule of good negotiations with children is to keep the language simple and clear, to be clear about compromises and limitations, and to follow through on them.

“For example, if we’re negotiating that it’s bedtime, we might compromise and say, ‘OK, you can stay up for another 15 minutes,’ but then after 15 minutes it’s bedtime.”

Voss, a former FBI negotiator, advises labeling your child’s emotions to “build a bridge of understanding.” He also uses a tactic he calls “mirrors”—essentially repeating the last few words your child says. So if he or she screams, “No!” I hate this! you’d say, “Oh, you hate it?” This, Voss says, shows your child that you are listening and encourages him to explain in more detail.

To resolve conflict, Place says, we must first understand the other’s position, which he admits is difficult to do. “The point is not that you agree with their position, but that you learn to empathize. When we negotiate with our children, if we can truly understand their values—and if we show them that we value their opinions and positions—we build trust.”

He likes Voss’s idea of ​​repeating those last words your child says to you. “When you show your child that you are listening, they are more likely to keep talking, which is very important for teenagers. And by offering to provide more information, you open up a dialogue.”

Place notes that negotiation is a complex cognitive skill and requires work, depending on your child’s developmental stage and what skills he or she has acquired regarding impulsivity, delay of gratification, and emotional regulation. He recommends giving a reason for everything you ask of them.

“It’s not ‘Do as you’re told,’ but ‘Let me explain why I’m telling you to do this.’ When children understand the reasons for our requests, it can make them more open to compromise.

“And use positive reinforcement. Praise any willingness to negotiate and compromise. Say: “I am very proud of you.”

Lead respectfully

Ray O’Neill, associate professor of psychotherapy at DCU, says his heart goes out to any parent who feels their child is holding them hostage. “It is very important that parents have power and authority. You can’t make kids bosses. But you must behave respectfully. Don’t just try to please your child – try to respect him.”

O’Neill cites the cookie test, conducted more than 50 years ago in the US on more than 600 children, as an illustration of how children engage (or not) in self-negotiation. Left alone in a room with many cookies, young children were told they could eat one at once or two if they waited a few minutes. Some ate the cookies right away. “Others were negotiating with themselves – trying to find a way to enjoy it, but wait: ‘Maybe I can take a little bite?’

“They learned patience, the difference between immediate and delayed gratification, and that choices have consequences: “If I eat this now, I won’t get another.”

O’Neill advises against micromanaging children; it robs them of their free will. The best approach is to ask questions that focus on responsibility and consequences. “Like, ‘What will school be like tomorrow if you don’t study for your test this afternoon?’ You give them the freedom to negotiate their own consequences. Let them have experience, because experience is the wisest teacher of all.”

He recommends allowing each side to see where the other is coming from. “So that children do not consider you a bully or a spoiled person, but that you take into account their interests, or the interests of the family, or even just your own interests – and recognize this. For example, say: “If you don’t bring a coat to school, there will be consequences if it rains: you might get sick; and the consequences for me – I will have to come and pick you up.”

We need to take into account that children think not only about the present moment, but only about themselves. “As we grow, our worlds and our timelines must become larger. So, we don’t just think about tomorrow – and we think not only about ourselves, but also about others, our friends, family and community. Remind your child, “If you’re on a soccer team and you catch the ball every time, it’s not going to make a great team.”

O’Neill also recommends planning conversations with children in advance rather than having them in the moment. “Negotiations are more difficult now – they are so lively, so raw. Talk about your bedtime routine on a Saturday afternoon instead of at 10pm on a Monday.”

In families with children of different ages, negotiations should consider a sense of fairness rather than equality, O’Neill said. “Fairness is treating everyone fairly and differently, whereas equality is treating everyone the same, which you can’t do because everyone is a different age.

“If negotiations can be individualized and you can be transparent about it, everyone will see fairness when different negotiations are done with different children.”

O’Neill likes the way Voss uses “calibrated questions” when, instead of asking “Can you put your toys away?” Voss asked, “Do you think we should clean up?” Voss says these questions “get (the kids) involved in the process, making them more likely to cooperate because they feel like it’s their idea.”

O’Neill recommends tailoring questions to draw attention to consequences: “What happens if you don’t go to bed by 9 p.m.?” very different from “Go to sleep now; It’s 9 p.m. now.”

“This is not about overpowering your child,” Voss said in a recent interview. “It’s about understanding them, guiding them – making them feel like they’re in control while you fine-tune the ship.”