13 ways to milk every drop from West Perth

West Perth is admittedly a strange suburb. There is no large supermarket here, about 30% of the main roads and developed infrastructure are already mature. However, there is more to West Perth than meets the eye.

1. Country of spending other people’s money

West Perth is home to many speculative mining companies hoping to hit the jackpot and become the next Newcrest. All they want is your money! A lot of it.

What a miracle it is to walk the same streets with the would-be titans of the Western dream. This is the epicenter of boom or bust culture, and to fully enjoy it, it’s highly recommended that you borrow money from someone to fuel your adventure. This is the ASX way.

2. Enjoy the Royal Park

Kings Park is probably one of the best central natural settings in the world. You can enjoy everything from smoking and lounging around on rented scooters to being prosecuted for trying to steal flora and playing hide and seek with your little one on a picnic rug overlooking the beautiful Perth skyline.

Not comfortable with such actions in public? Make no mistake, King’s Park is so pleased with its reputation as a passionate place that it erected a DNA tower in honor of all the baby gravy spilled on its hallowed lawn.

3. Be present at the Scitech Dome

Arguably Perth’s most iconic landmark, the Scitech Dome was an angelic beacon of light for many stoned punters trying to control themselves as they were taxied to and from Northbridge.

Taking a few minutes to appreciate the Dome will do wonders for your inner Perth zen. You might even want to get some knowledge over your thick head and go inside for some science.

4. Join a car cruise in City West.

The beauty of City West is that it’s a one-stop shop for everything you need for your car cruise. From facing an angry mob and coming back many months later to deal with that pesky license suspension.

If you don’t feel the need for speed, you can always rack up credit card debt or go for a massage or something like that.

5. Enjoy Basie’s Most Promising Successor

Sutherland St Bridge doesn’t have the scalps of Basie, but she’s doing just fine. With a ground clearance of 3.7 meters, it is actually 0.1 meters thicker than Basie.

Unfortunately the poor girl often goes hungry as this is clearly not a route popular with lorries like the former Queens to Bayswater.

6. Dust in Watertown

Finally, a shopping center dedicated to sausage lovers that leaves a trail of destruction everywhere they go.

Watertown is an open-air place (not counting the actual stores) and can do wonders for helping dilute some of the pungent odors that come from regular malls.

7. Marinate while you still can.

There’s something about a thriving local space with a unique identity that makes big business pull out its huge dick and shove it deep inside. In this case it’s Bunnings and the usual rich apartments in Kent.

So enjoy the quaint Pickle district while you can, perhaps picnic next to the Graham Farmer Expressway at the art park or visit a few galleries before the worst cultural moments are just the beginning.

8. Show everyone what you are working on in Jacob’s Ladder.

In Perth’s wild savannah, one watering hole attracts the thirstiest animals. So why not join the daily catwalk and show everyone else what you’ve been working with.

Extra points for dispensing unsolicited advice to runners and, of course, stretching the top of your head in a way that accentuates your bulge. Don’t forget to write about it on Instagram.

9. Transfer center

Getting around West Perth can be challenging, to say the least. It’s home to some of the worst motorway traffic in the city. This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, given that about a quarter of the suburb is taken up by arterial roads.

To truly save the West Perth driving experience, you are advised to call a multi-car pileup because you have realized that the only way to get into the lane you want is to bluff that ranger driver. It turns out he wasn’t bluffing.

10. Say something about the Terrace.

You can’t just operate in West Perth and not have a clear understanding of the superiority they have over the actual CBD. It’s a classic case of a boutique firm, but it’s not a bad shout.

Sure, you don’t have all the bars and restaurants of the CBD and you’re considered a small-time rube by other professionals, but at least the atmosphere is pretty cool. This must mean something.

11. Show some respect to old Heidi’s site and KFC.

Hydey was once the number one live music venue for ping-filled DnB nights. He was also known to be located next to a KFC, which would have seen its share of the best and worst of Perth’s humanity.

What an iconic combination. Right now, the gentrified pub sits next to an empty site. It’s enough to make you tear up, but it’s always nice to go and remember that Perth has the last real pubs.

12. Get Strata’d

West Perth is a real Strata town, and you might be thinking, well, how can I enjoy it if I’m just visiting here? Well, visitors can often deal with the worst of the strata sheriffs simply by living on their property!

Enjoy unbridled fun as a guest in your partner’s strap-on pool, watching every NIMBY eye watching your every move. Did you just speed up a little to dive into the pool? Do you listen to music in a whisper? Not under their control, you piece of crap.

13. Uncle Dan’s Parking Lot Adventure

Still looking for something to do? Well, the car park outside the Heidi and Dan Murphys Hotel is a fantastic place to check out your No Claims Bonus. It’s not so much the layout of the parking lot as the fact that motorists navigate it with all the care and skill of a pygmy hippopotamus trying to climb into a bathtub.

Documenting a human zoo is a lot of work, so if you like what you read, how about buying Belle a beer, yeah?