Asking Eric: Mother blamed for not supporting abusive father

Dear Eric: My ex-husband was emotionally abusive to my oldest child (they/them pronouns). I was a victim of his abuse throughout the marriage. I ended up divorcing this man before they even graduated high school.

After years of therapy, I began to understand my behavior and sincerely apologized to my elders for not being able to get them out of this situation sooner.

When they went to college, they stopped answering phone calls and texts.

Last Christmas they told me they didn’t understand why no one protected them when their father was abusive to them. They said I was a terrible mother.

We spoke with their consultant about working through these issues together. They told me that it was also my responsibility to move us forward.

I have written messages many times about improving our relationship. They said they were working with their therapist to get them comfortable with this and I would hear from them in the coming weeks.

There have been no further mentions of any attempts to move forward since then. This looks like deliberate cruelty. I no longer feel the desire to interact with them as superficially as before. I just don’t want to get involved in the life of a person who resents me as their mother for the way I failed them.

– Outraged mother

Dear Mom: When your senior says you should move your relationship forward and then doesn’t respond, it strikes me as a poorly thought out test of your commitment. They want to know that you are going to come to them, and at the same time punish you for not coming to them the way they wanted in the past. This is a sign that someone is not as ready to move forward as they say they are. And it’s probably painful for them too.

Try to find a communication boundary that feels acceptable to you without making you feel like you are constantly reaching out to the person without getting a response. You need to maintain some semblance of a relationship to meet your emotional needs without creating expectations for your child that he cannot meet.

Talk about the pain you feel during individual therapy. It will take longer than you want. But this is not because you are bad or unworthy of your child’s love and attention. This is because healing is a difficult journey and you are both still on it.